一个人

一个人，没什么不好的。
少了很多烦人的事。

最近让自己变得很忙很忙，
明明累得要死了。

身体还撑得住吗？
“辛苦你了”

该烦的事太多，
可以不要那么烦吗？

现在这一刻，我只想一个人静一静。
我只想在只有自己的世界里活着。

我想休息，我想去旅行，我想离开这一切。
真的很累。

累到眼泪都流了。

没什么想写的，只是想发泄一下而已。

RyoichiZB

橙色情人节快乐？

我压力很大？

我自己也不知道自己正在做什么。
我很累。
我想一个人。
我想把自己关起来。
我想逃离到没有人认识我的地方。
我很讨厌现在的自己。

为什么我会这样？

今天是又每个月14日的情人节。
橙色情人节。
我又想起了几个月前的我……

我到底怎么了？

“你存在，我深深的脑海里~
我的梦里，我的心里，我的歌声里……”

~RyoichiZB~

我20岁了……

刚刚到家了，是朋友载我回的。
生日就这样过了。
我开心吗？
起码我装的很开心…

生日的一整天。

大概2点多睡，不知为何没什么心情。

今天一早到学院，我以为有上课，
所以带了一大堆东西去到学院准备上课…
哪里知道，class 取消了。因为是 term break.
没有人通知我……
反正我本来对他们而言就是透明的。
还好有带一点点东西做。
所以在学院做了一点点的功课。

约好跟班上的同学们去 TS 看戏，
庆祝我和另一个早我一天生日的人。
谢谢他们的心意，他们的蛋糕。

8点多第二round，去到 SS2 的旺角茶餐厅，
跟中学朋友们庆祝，虽然只是吃餐饭，
但谢谢他们记得我的生日。

12点多第三round，到 Kuchai Lama 喝茶，
喝下，聊下，玩下棋，回家。

大概就这样。

我不怎么开心。为什么？


RyoichiZB

Mistake?

难道每晚我都要掉泪吗？
为什么我那么的脆弱？
不需要特地避开吧……
讨厌我就承认啦……
反正我也习惯被人讨厌了。
他们到底在我后面说了几多的坏话，
我不知道。
信我还是信他们，就这样。

一切到底为什么会这样？
就是因为那天？但在那件事之前已经是这样了。

“她不会了解我的”我告诉自己
是啊，我串。
是啊，我多事。
我只不过爱上一个人。
但被讨厌罢了啊。
心很痛，总是希望着能被安慰。
但却不想告诉任何人。
我看着一切的开始，
一切的结束。
一开始如果她一切都不知道，
不知道我喜欢她，
那就好了，
那样的话，我们还是能说话，
还是能做普通朋友，
现在她就是那么的那么的讨厌我。

很快的我就需要负担起这个家。
我很害怕自己会失去依靠，
但我再也不能靠家了。

我到底怎么了。
有时，真的会想放弃一切就这样死掉算了。
我不行了。
假装快乐很辛苦。
真的很辛苦。


RyoichiZB

我没资格

我以为我能忘记那句话，
我以为我能忘记她，
但……没办法。

她的一句话，带给我一直到现在的伤。
无法形容。
我已经不是个有资格去找她的人了。
被讨厌了，还可以去找她的话，我真的很不要脸了。
看见她就会想起那句话，
我的心，很痛。
今天醒来前也梦见了那一天她说的话。
起身的时候，我的眼泪不知不觉就留了下来。
我还是第一次被人那么样说的。
明明就是很想很想去找她，
但我没资格。
我没资格爱她，
我没资格关心她，
我已经不再是个有资格靠近她的人了，
即使改变了，也没有用，
因为伤已留下疤。

爸爸的高血压，让我越来越担心。
以后就是靠我了？
我压力真的很大。
我不能向病了的爸爸拿学院需要的经费，
看来我要靠自己了。

自己的身体好像也不如以前了，
鼻血一天有时没流，有时流一两次。
一个星期大概7/8次。
我还怕是鼻窦癌，我不敢去看医生。
我很胆小吧……

RyoichiZB

damn

SHA LA LA…いつかきっと、僕は手にするんだ...
はかなき胸にそっと、ひかり燃えていけ…
SHA LA LA... Someday, I’ll definitely be able to obtain it...
In those fragile hearts, gentle lights glow up...

Yeah, finally I've moved to a new place,
new enviroment, new mood?

life's just like what is it should be?

was actually damn bloody busy, but I can't concentrate... why?

damn

RyoichiZB

thanks

Yes, I knew everything gonna happen this way in the begining,
now it's like this,
and I can't do a thing about it... life is just damn...

Trying my best to live like before,
Smile like always,
talkative, hyper-active...

even though there's time where I might still need to stay quiet.
to concentrate thinking what else that I should do to stay strong.

Friends...? I was blind before.
But I'm not now,
I just found out that, there're still some of my friends that always with me,
even though I always just damn doesn't care about any of my friends sometimes,
I hate this me sometimes, I should'd treat my friends better...

thanks, to all passers-by,
thanks, to those that likes me.
thanks, to my friends,
thanks, to those that hate me,
thanks, everyone...

My father is having High-blood pressure,
I'm not a doctor, can't do a thing about it.
feeling useless when I can't do any help about this situation...
am worried... and hoping that I won't cause any burden to him.
I will try my best to keep myself up, won't be asking for money.
thanks...

RyoichiZB

Regrets...?

If we can return back to the time where she doesn't know anything,
I won't say that any more.

That's the reason that changes everything,
I hate everything happen this way.

I failed.
Yeah, I've failed.
It's the first time ever I drop till this point.
It's the first time ever I felt this disappointment.

I regret every path that I've taken,
I hate this kind of me surviving in this planet.
Sometimes it felt like the world would be better if I disappeared.

I think my body can't withstand to these any more.
My nose, heart-beat and even my stomach is not like before any more.
I hate the way I talk.
I hate the eyesight from everyone.

Seriously, I wasn't trying to be cocky or what.
To tell the truth, I'm jealous.
I'm jealous to the way she treated any one besides me.
yeah, ANY one.
Maybe, I'm just damn tired.

Perhaps making myself away from anything about her it's better.
But no matter how much she hate me,
I can't change the fact I fall for her.

I hate my life being this way.
FML

whenever she is away, I felt like "foreveralone.jpg"
accidentally fell too deep making me tired.


RyoichiZB

我到底怎么了？

有时还真的蛮希望自己再笨一点…

可是我能做的只是装笨…

明明就是知道，却假装不知道…

然后特地去问一些问题来看对方会不会说谎，

原来我那么的不相信别人。

不管是谁都好。

也许是因为曾经被骗。

也许是因为曾经受伤。

天蝎的第六感最强？

关于这方面我还蛮信的。

没有心情去聊天，

也没有心情去做功课，

很想把所有的事都放弃。

我压力很大吗？

但是当我认真去想的时候，

还有很多比我压力更大的人坚持着。

一直说要搬家，

都不知道搬得成吗……

已经卖了，但买的还没拿到，

会不会就这样无家呢？

努力的把身体弄得健康点，

但好像越来越差了。

难道……真的是鼻窦？

RyoichiZB

Starting point?

It was just like, even we are together,
I can't give her any happiness in life...
Trying my very best to forget...
I know I'm just useless there...

Alcohol made me drunk,
it's the first time I drunk,
Thanks for inviting me for the heavy alcohol session,
I was able to forget every single hard moment of my life...
I had release all the stresses and pain...
even though it was seems like yesterday...
I like the way I felt that moment...

there's too much lies between...
Not that I don't trust,
It's like, the truth is there, and she still lies...
Okay, just once okay, twice okay... tenth okay... 20,21,22...
Okay, telling myself that there must be something else happen that's why she lies
Okay, there isn't... Alright.... fine...
It's like when there's something someone hate, there's many reason saying no.
And I was like giving all sorts of reasons telling myself that, those ARE real.
And after concluding, I was just fucking waste of my time... It's fine.... I'm totally fine :)

Too much things in mind made me unable to sleep well...
I would like someone to care about what I felt...
And I know no one cares...
Perhaps my mask was wearing too thigh...
unable to release any more.

I guess my life has just went to a end point and also another starting point.
I would like someone that can understand my feeling.
and I haven't find that someone yet..
But I have already changed to another level of myself,
thanks...
I wouldn't easily accept, but I won't reject as well...
Capable opening my door, my life's yours.

Dream continues,
Life continues...

RyoichiZB